Active Listening (The Fight You Have to Keep Fighting)

“To listen well is as powerful a means of influence as to talk well.” — John Marshall

Active listening gets talked about like it’s some tidy little skill you can “apply” when needed. Anyone who’s led teams knows that’s nonsense. Active listening isn’t a technique, it’s a fight. A daily one. Some days an hourly one.

I’ve spent years watching people on video calls pretend to listen while their eyes flick across three monitors. I’ve watched leaders nod along while you can practically see the mental tab‑switching happening behind their eyes. And I’m not above it, I’m as guilty as anyone. When I drift, I know exactly what’s happening: I’m cheating myself, and I’m cheating the people I’m supposed to be showing up for.

Active listening is not something you turn on. It’s something you maintain. And maintaining it takes preparation, intention, and a willingness to catch yourself mid‑drift and come back.

The Standard Advice (Useful, but Not the Whole Story)

Most articles recycle the same list of active listening behaviors. To be fair, they’re not wrong. They’re just incomplete.

Research consistently points to a few fundamentals:

• Don’t mentally rehearse your response while the other person is talking — this is one of the most cited barriers to real listening.

• Paraphrasing and reflecting feelings helps people feel understood and reduces misalignment.

• Nonverbal engagement (eye contact, nodding, leaning in) builds trust and signals presence.

• Open‑ended questions deepen understanding and keep conversations from becoming transactional.

• Avoid multitasking — studies show it tanks comprehension and retention. Goodness knows I cannot multitask to save my life anyway!

These points matter. They’re the baseline. But they treat listening like a checklist. And listening is not a checklist.

The Real Problem: Listening Fatigue Is Real

Active listening drains you.

It’s not a moral issue. It’s not a “care more” issue. It’s biology.

Every meeting pulls from the same mental reservoir:

• Complex conversations drain it faster.

• Emotional conversations drain it faster.

• Ambiguous conversations drain it faster.

• And back‑to‑back meetings drain it relentlessly.

By mid‑afternoon, even the most committed leaders hit the wall. You see it in workshops, the 3 p.m. glaze. People aren’t bored. They’re depleted.

I call it the listening meter:

• It starts full.

• It drains with every conversation.

• It drains faster when you’re tired or distracted.

• And when it hits zero, you’re done — even if the meeting isn’t.

This is why people start checking their phones. Why they stop asking questions. Why they nod politely but aren’t absorbing anything. It’s not disrespect. It’s cognitive burnout.

My Experience: You Can’t Fake Engagement

I’ve watched enough meetings to know when someone is “there” versus when they’re just physically present. You can see it in their eyes. You can hear it in the way they respond. You can feel it in the energy of the room.

And again, I’m not immune. I’ve drifted in meetings I care about. I’ve drifted in meetings I’m leading. I’ve drifted in meetings where I should be the most locked in.

But here’s the thing: when I’m not actively listening, I’m the one who loses the most.

I lose context. I lose nuance. I lose the chance to build trust. I lose the opportunity to lead well.

That’s why I think about this constantly. Because the cost of not listening is always higher than the effort it takes to listen.

What Actually Works: Prepare Your Mind Before You Walk In

The biggest shift for me was realizing that active listening doesn’t start in the meeting, it starts before the meeting.

You can’t walk into a conversation cold and expect your brain to magically lock in. You have to prime it.

Here’s what’s worked for me:

• Morning mental prep: I look at my day and mentally prepare for each meeting. Not in a heavy way,  just enough to know what kind of engagement I owe the people in the room.

• Stack similar meetings: If I have multiple 1:1s, I batch them. If I have several project reviews, I group them. Staying in the same mental lane preserves listening energy.

• Use physical cues: I keep a Post‑it note on my monitor. When my attention drifts, my eye catches it and pulls me back. It’s simple, but it works.

• Acknowledge the drift: When I catch myself drifting, I don’t beat myself up. I just return. That’s the discipline.

The Goal: Become Someone Who Adjusts Midstream

The best listeners aren’t the ones who never drift. They’re the ones who notice the drift quickly and come back intentionally.

That’s the real skill.

Active listening is:

• A mindset

• A discipline

• A constant recalibration

• A commitment to presence

And the more you practice it, the more natural it becomes.

A Challenge for This Week

Try this:

• Before each meeting, write one sentence: “My job in this meeting is to listen fully.”

• During the meeting, notice when your mind drifts.

• After the meeting, reflect on whether you listened the way you intended.

Closing Thought

Active listening is one of the most human leadership skills (and one of the hardest). But it’s also one of the most transformative. When you listen well, people feel respected, understood, and valued. When you listen poorly, they feel dismissed, even if you didn’t intend it.

It’s a fight worth fighting.